Words- babycakes8
Photographer- Juliet Dau
im very aware that im good at hiding how i really feel. and i really really regret doing that with you. you were so many things for me. so please just take a moment and read carefully what i have to say. because its all the things i never thought id be able to say, all the feelings i thought i could never feel.
you made me feel safe. i always wandered alone through everything in life. i always believed that you had to do everything on your own. but you showed me that thats just not true. that you CAN depend on people. that some people, despite all the people you have met, wont let you down. you taught me that its okay to open up my thoughts and feelings to people.
im siting at home, and i realized what it is that i always feel when i come back here, the feeling that i have that makes it so hard to come back. i finally figured out that the feeling is a mixture of fear, lonliness, and the feeling that im out of place. that i somehow dont belong here, or anywhere. next to you, that was the first time i felt safe in a long, long time. i never realized how much stability and security would affect my life. i just want something that is going to be constant, something i dont have to worry about. having you there for the past month or so, it really made me feel like i could do anything.
you made me feel happy. i looked forward to your company. i loved that i could be myself around you. i realized that a large part of my unhappiness comes from me trying so hard to be someone im not in front of the crowd. having to pretend to be happy, carefree, relaxed. you taught me that i dont need to pretend, and that if i just let the happy things make me happy, then everything else works its way out. not only did i need that realization, but i needed you. yea, to help me get to this point, but it was you that made me truly happy. i know that because if i wasnt happy before then there is now way i would be so sad right now. sad, but happy at the same time.
that day you told me to cry. cry hard, let it all out. and i didnt. and now that you arent here i want more than anything to cry and scream and absolutely lose it. but i wish i didnt have to do it alone. god, if i could go back in time and just cry when you told me. i would give anything to be able to do that with someone. now. if i had done it then, i dont think these tears im holding back would hurt me so much. its true that you only regret things you dont do. this is what regret feels like. but you gave me hope that there are people that wont judge me for my emotions.
i miss you. which is stupid. because its not like you are completely gone. its not like ill never see you again. but what i miss is the way i was around you, the way i felt. and knowing that its always going to be different now. it hurts.
someday you are gonna meet someone that makes you really really happy. someone that will love you for every little bit of what makes you you. the trick isnt finding that person. theres more than one person that can love you that way. but there is only one person that you can love that way in return. maybe i wasnt enough, maybe it wasnt right, it wasnt meant to be. or maybe, by a wonderful stroke of luck, what we had was perfect for what it was and all that it wasnt. maybe i just dont see that yet.
i always wanted a relationship that was no different than a friendship. in the past, my relationships fell apart because i couldnt open up to him, i couldnt be myself around him. very seldom do i meet someone that is able to be a lover and a friend. i realized that i always just take the first step and make him my friend. every single time. for the first time i understood what feeling i want in a relationship. i realized what my perfect relationship would be. and i found out that if i take the first step, take the risk of getting hurt, the reward is much greater. its an indescribable feeling.
i used to be able to feel that happy when i was by myself. but ive lost myself over the past couple of years because i was too busy holding on to everything else. you reminded me of how i used to live and breath. how i used to cherish life. for its difficulties and its simplicities. you make me want to better myself and to grow and learn and struggle, do all the things that we need in order to live.
i know that just like youll find someone to love you, ill find someone too. i know that person exists out there. and im okay with knowing that i might not ever meet them. that i might truly be alone forever. but its better to know that the reason ill be alone isnt because there is no one out there for me, but because our paths just didnt cross. and im okay with knowing that because i crossed paths with you. you replaced a lot of hope that i lost for humanity and people and how their souls work. how their minds work. the actions they take. i had nearly given up. thank you for showing me some light again.
i know that there is someone out there for me. but for now, i just need to be sad for a while that it couldnt be you.
this feeling isnt heartbreak for me. its a sadness that its ‘over’. but also a refreshing feeling that ive come out of it a new person. and i hope that i was able to teach you a thing or two as well. all i want to do while im alive, is to touch each important person in my life, in some way. i dont need to change a life anymore. i just want to help someone learn a little bit about themselves.
so many times, i just wanted you to be there. to sit with me, and pass the time. to ask my how im feeling. to let me be me and feel safe about being me. but i didnt say anything, because i knew it wasnt right. and that it would have made this moment so much more difficult.
the lonliness i felt with you right next to me was haunting and beautiful and made me feel so alive. and the way we kissed was perfect. so perfectly heartbreaking that i had to hold back the tears. so perfect that i had to hold in the words. a perfect way to end something that never really started.
thank you. for giving me this incredible feeling that this long ass entry cannot do justice for. god, i wish i could be with you right now to tell you how much you mean to me as a friend and to just cry in your arms. but hopefully you can find some solace in knowing that you might not be the only person i can cry in front of. that someday down the road ill meet someone else that makes me feel the way you do. and that this time i wont hold back.
because i regret all the things i never said to you. i absolutely regret the tears i never showed. i hate the feeling of knowing now that its too late. and that the only way i can tell you is through words that cant explain how i feel. and i hate myself for knowing that i missed something amazing. and i cant help but be angry at the situation and circumstances, even though we didnt choose them. this is right and wrong at the same time. not telling you how i feel was easy and hard for me at the same time. losing you is the hardest, biggest, and best mistake ive made in a long time.
i know that the day i find out youve found a new lover ill be hurt. BUT im excited to know that ill be more happy for you than hurt for me. because in the end i gained a great friend. more valuable than anything i own. i cherish friendship over anything else because its the only thing in my life that reminds me that im alive and that i have so much to live for. our friendship has completely changed my life, and i thank you for that. so much. so many times. thank you. im glad that ill only have to say goodbye to you 2 more times at most. and im talking about REAL goodbyes. today was difficult, number 2 will be harder, number 3 the worst. but for now i cherish our friendship and i thank god that i was able to meet you.
i dont think i can write anymore without feeling completely foolish that i was sobbing this whole time. so in closing id like to say
“good bye”
but more importantly
hello
